Masters week

[FeistyFrog]

Time to bring out your best Tiger Woods jokes:


The Pope and Tiger Woods
The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”. The next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.

“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: “I am really anxious to get to heaven.”

Tiger: “Why is that?”

Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”

Tiger: “You’re a day late.”

 

[bullfrog69]

QUOTE(FeistyFrog @ Apr 6 2010, 04:19 PM) [snapback]541426[/snapback]
Time to bring out your best Tiger Woods jokes:


The Pope and Tiger Woods
The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified". The next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven."

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

Tiger: "You're a day late."



that is a pretty bad joke

 

[joejordan]

QUOTE(FeistyFrog @ Apr 6 2010, 05:19 PM) [snapback]541426[/snapback]
Time to bring out your best Tiger Woods jokes:
The Pope and Tiger Woods
The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”. The next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.

“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: “I am really anxious to get to heaven.”

Tiger: “Why is that?”

Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”

Tiger: “You’re a day late.”

Stick to recruiting

 

[NativeFrog]

First the Mormons were being made fun of, now Catholicism is being made fun of. Will the blasphemy never end on this board?

 

[halfwaytoheaven]

Let's see if we can get this thread back on track. I'm not a golfer, so hopefully I remembered it right.

So, Tiger Woods is driving around in the countryside one day when his car breaks down. He gets it to the only shop in the tiny, remote town where he finds himself, where they tell him it'll be a couple of days before they can get the parts they need to fix it. Tiger checks into a hotel and, not wanting to waste any time, heads down to the local country club to get in a round of golf. He walks up to the counter and asks the attendant if he can get a tee time.

"I'm sorry, sir," says the attendant, "but the course is for club members only."

"I beg your pardon?" responds an astonished Tiger.

"Our course is only for the use of our members and their guests. However, there is a fine municipal course just a driver's distance down the road where they would be happy to help you."

"I can't believe this," shouts Tiger, "don't you know who I am?"

The attendant leans over the counter and takes a close look at Tiger. His face lights up with recognition.

"Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Woods," he says, "my sincerest apologies. I'm a huge fan."

"For you it would be about a 6-iron."

 

[Froggy Style]

QUOTE(NativeFrog @ Apr 6 2010, 10:36 PM) [snapback]541448[/snapback]
First the Mormons were being made fun of, now Catholicism is being made fun of. Will the blasphemy never end on this board?


Uh, pretty sure Catholocism wasn't being made fun of in the joke...although it deserves it much more than Tiger Woods.

 

[Limp Lizard]

So Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day at a muni course. They got to a long par-3 over water, which was pretty backed with lots of groups on the tee. Moses said to Jesus "looks like a good 5-wood for you", but Jesus said "Naw, Tiger would use a 5-iron." Jesus took out his 5-iron and hit it flush...right into the water, then walks on the water to the ball, takes it out and tosses it on the green.

An astonished looker-on said "who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?". "No" said Moses..."he thinks he's Tiger Woods." :laugh:

Old joke...originally heard it as Arnold Palmer.

 

[Delmonico]

QUOTE(Froggy Style @ Apr 7 2010, 11:57 AM) [snapback]541704[/snapback]
Uh, pretty sure Catholocism wasn't being made fun of in the joke...although it deserves it much more than Tiger Woods.



:blink:

 

[FrogAbroad]

QUOTE(Froggy Style @ Apr 7 2010, 10:57 AM) [snapback]541704[/snapback]
Uh, pretty sure Catholocism wasn't being made fun of in the joke...although it deserves it much more than Tiger Woods.


That's not altogether logical, you know.

If Catholicism, and by inference its one billion adherents, "deserves it" (presumably for the sexual escapades of a very small proportion of the total) then in the same way golf, and by inference its several millions of adherents, would also deserve ridicule because of the conduct of a small number of its own cadre of professionals such as Woods and Daly.

 

[FrogAbroad]

Bill was playing golf one afternoon with his wife, Emma, and hit a nasty slice off the second tee - landing in an impossible lie in front of the greenkeeper's shed. Being helpful, his wife suggested "No need to take a penalty shot darling, just open both the front and back doors and push the tractor out. Then, you'll can hit hit it straight through the shed with a 3 iron."

"Brilliant idea darling!" and with that, Bill took a mighty whack at the ball, which struck the rear of the building - bouncing off and hitting his wife in the head, killing her stone dead.

A few years later, Bill was playing the same hole with his new wife... and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front of the shed.

"No need to take a penalty shot," said his new wife, "we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed!"

"No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey!"

 

[Houston Frog]

QUOTE(FrogAbroad @ Apr 7 2010, 12:16 PM) [snapback]541722[/snapback]
Bill was playing golf one afternoon with his wife, Emma, and hit a nasty slice off the second tee - landing in an impossible lie in front of the greenkeeper's shed. Being helpful, his wife suggested "No need to take a penalty shot darling, just open both the front and back doors and push the tractor out. Then, you'll can hit hit it straight through the shed with a 3 iron."

"Brilliant idea darling!" and with that, Bill took a mighty whack at the ball, which struck the rear of the building - bouncing off and hitting his wife in the head, killing her stone dead.

A few years later, Bill was playing the same hole with his new wife... and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front of the shed.

"No need to take a penalty shot," said his new wife, "we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed!"

"No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey!"


Ha

Only good one so far

 

[HToady]

QUOTE(NativeFrog @ Apr 6 2010, 05:36 PM) [snapback]541448[/snapback]
First the Mormons were being made fun of, now Catholicism is being made fun of. Will the blasphemy never end on this board?



If you can't make fun of others, who can you make fun of? :tongue:

Define blasphemy.......

 

[tcudoc]

QUOTE(FrogAbroad @ Apr 7 2010, 12:16 PM) [snapback]541722[/snapback]
Bill was playing golf one afternoon with his wife, Emma, and hit a nasty slice off the second tee - landing in an impossible lie in front of the greenkeeper's shed. Being helpful, his wife suggested "No need to take a penalty shot darling, just open both the front and back doors and push the tractor out. Then, you'll can hit hit it straight through the shed with a 3 iron."

"Brilliant idea darling!" and with that, Bill took a mighty whack at the ball, which struck the rear of the building - bouncing off and hitting his wife in the head, killing her stone dead.

A few years later, Bill was playing the same hole with his new wife... and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front of the shed.

"No need to take a penalty shot," said his new wife, "we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed!"

"No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey!"

:tongue:
Agree with above. Best so far.

 

[tcudoc]

Conversation over dinner:

A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

 

[FrogAbroad]

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

 

[HG73]

Two elderly gentlemen were standing on the tee when a funeral procession went by. One of the men doffed his cap and stood at attention. The other golfer said "that was nice of you." The first golfer replied "Yeah, we were married for 47 years."